Speaking of pain. It is my new best friend. It is the constant monkey on my back, gnawing at my soul. I know that sounds crazy, trust me I know. But its the truth. I have now been in constant pain for the last 4 months. At this point I feel more alone than I ever have before. I know I have support from those around me, but they can't feel what I feel, and I can't describe what I feel well enough to get relief from their support. The pain saps my energy, my emotions, my motivation for anything. And I know my friends and family feel helpless, which only makes me feel worse, and makes me feel guilty for sharing my feelings with them.
The pain was really bad on Friday. I was at PT where they have a sonagram machine that puts sonic waves into your joints to stimulate the healing process. That little metal wand hit something in the joint, and hit it hard. All of the sudden I was in DEEP pain, sucking in air, and trying to find my happy place. This isn't normal, yet no testing can find an issue. I have now had 3 x-rays, and 2 mri's and nothing other than some bone bruising that I hope has finally healed. But the area that hurts the worst is "fine" according to the tests...I am supposed to get a bone scan to get a better idea of whats going on, but I have absolutely this VERY expensive test will find anything. I know my health care professionals believe me, which is better than where I was 2 months ago, but if I've made any improvement, its minuscule.
The crappiest thing is that I finally got out of the boot, which I wore for 3 months, and everyone was really happy for me. Sadly I couldn't be happy with them because its not healed, just healed beyond what a boot can do for my foot. So now I have become what I study. I have an invisible illness, that even the doctors cannot find.
1 comment:
Hey sugar. I know it doesn't really help, especially since I don't know how you feel, but I do believe the pain you are in. When I tell you to take something for it, it's never to shut you up, it's because there is a different look on your face with the everyday ache of it, and when you have shooting pain. It's those times that you're saving your meds for. So use them. And it's good that you finally think the doctors believe you. On that same token I think it's time you had a chat with them about pain relievers (that don't set your leg on fire or make you dizzy and pass out). I am here for you. I will be your shoulder and literal crutch if you need it. I don't know what you feel, but I'm going through it with you dear. We will figure this out. And yes, it will be so nice to start a new year fresh. Just don't forget that good things did happen this year. They may be overshadowed with what has happened at the beginning and now with your foot, but they still did happen. <3 Love you sis.
Meg
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