Speaking of pain. It is my new best friend. It is the constant monkey on my back, gnawing at my soul. I know that sounds crazy, trust me I know. But its the truth. I have now been in constant pain for the last 4 months. At this point I feel more alone than I ever have before. I know I have support from those around me, but they can't feel what I feel, and I can't describe what I feel well enough to get relief from their support. The pain saps my energy, my emotions, my motivation for anything. And I know my friends and family feel helpless, which only makes me feel worse, and makes me feel guilty for sharing my feelings with them.
The pain was really bad on Friday. I was at PT where they have a sonagram machine that puts sonic waves into your joints to stimulate the healing process. That little metal wand hit something in the joint, and hit it hard. All of the sudden I was in DEEP pain, sucking in air, and trying to find my happy place. This isn't normal, yet no testing can find an issue. I have now had 3 x-rays, and 2 mri's and nothing other than some bone bruising that I hope has finally healed. But the area that hurts the worst is "fine" according to the tests...I am supposed to get a bone scan to get a better idea of whats going on, but I have absolutely this VERY expensive test will find anything. I know my health care professionals believe me, which is better than where I was 2 months ago, but if I've made any improvement, its minuscule.
The crappiest thing is that I finally got out of the boot, which I wore for 3 months, and everyone was really happy for me. Sadly I couldn't be happy with them because its not healed, just healed beyond what a boot can do for my foot. So now I have become what I study. I have an invisible illness, that even the doctors cannot find.
